Recovery
by Lorr
Summary: This takes place immediately after the last scene in Conversion. John is questioning himself.


**Recovery**

By Lorr

Chapters: 1/1

Rating: PG

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Warning: language

Disclaimer: SGA is not mine. Wish it was, but I just play here.

This takes place immediately after the last scene in Conversion.

...

John twirled the stick without conscious thought as he watched Teyla walk out of the gym. He exhaled a deep sigh that didn't help cleanse the feelings he hoped would fade. Eventually. The sooner, the better.

_Good one, John. Turn into a damned bug and nearly kill your friends. Kill the people you…_ he slammed the sticks into the container against the wall and strode out of the tiny room. _Shit!_

John halted in front of the transporter, waited for the door to open then stepped in. Staring at the city's schematic, he realized he had no idea where he was going. Scowling, he tapped the screen and sent himself to a remote area of the city. Someplace he could be alone and think.

_Not that I haven't had time to think. Only the last couple of… Get a grip, John. Get a grip. Carson said…he said you're recovered. You're you. Stop this!_

He exited the transporter and, in seconds, was out on one of the smaller piers, in the sun for the first time in weeks. This was one of the areas that lost the protective shield and flood when the expedition first arrived. A search quickly determined there was nothing of interest here so it remained deserted. Unless they scanned for his transmitter, he wouldn't be found.

_Carson cleared you. Get it through your head. You'll be back on active duty in a week, ten days max. He wouldn't say that unless he meant it._

"Elizabeth was right, John. You are in no way responsible for what happened." Carson said indulgently. "You should listen to her. And me. Do you think I'd release you otherwise?"

"But…"

"Not even one bit a bug. You're all John Sheppard." the Scot said with a twinkle in his eye that disappeared when he saw John's expression. "Honestly. Genetically, you are John Sheppard and only John Sheppard."

John looked down at his arm.

Carson saw the glance and quickly continued, "That just needs to heal. It was the original wound and infection site. It's healing and will be gone in a week or two."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I have no doubt at all." Carson gave him a gentle smile. "Look, son, you're fine. I promise. You just have to give it a little time."

John knew going over what happened for the hundredth time wasn't helping. He realized his heart was racing and he was gulping breaths like a marathon runner.

The doctor had done his best to convince him. Everyone had since the moment he came out of the drug induced coma. _But you didn't see it through my eyes._

John remembered the moments after the haze of the early genetic changes making him human again and the heavy sedation dissipated, allowing real awareness to return. _Nightmare. Had to be a nightmare._ Then he'd lifted a hand, just to be sure. His heart froze at the sight of the scaly, grey skin and claws. The memories weren't complete, but there were enough of them. Memories of nearly killing Elizabeth, of…hurting Teyla, of running until Ronon dropped him. The primal urges that took a week more to fade away. Those urges had come so close to killing the people he…

_Stop this._

He closed his eyes for a moment then focused on the central tower of the city. The sun was just beginning to set, bathing the elegant structure in a brilliant light. Watching the shadows slowly creep up from the ocean, he forced his breathing to slow and the rapid pounding in his chest soon returned to normal.

By the time John finally felt in control again, the shadows had already engulfed most of the city. _Carson wouldn't lie. Not about this._

_God. How the hell does Rodney deal with panic attacks on a regular basis? _He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly as he watched the lights of the city come up on each level until the tip of the tower was in darkness. With a final sigh, John went back inside. _A little time._

As he neared his quarters, three familiar figures turned and walked towards him. He could see their expressions change from concern to tentative smiles.

"Where were you?" Rodney blurted. Ronon nudged him firmly. "Hey!"

"We were just going to dinner and wondered if you would like to join us." Teyla said smoothly.

_Careful._ John hoped the smile he didn't quite feel appeared genuine. He wasn't looking for company or small talk tonight but knew he needed to do this. _Get back on the bike or go home._

"Sure."

Ronon, as always, cut to the chase. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Fine. What's for dinner?" John replied with an easy tone as they turned towards the transporter.

Rodney perked up. "It's meatloaf and mashed potatoes tonight."

Teyla studied him out of the corner of her eye. "Are you hungry?"

"Actually, I am." John was surprised at how hungry he was. _How the hell can they trust me so easily when I can't?_

She smiled. "Carson would be happy to know that. He said you need to regain the weight you lost during your recovery."

_Because you would do the same for them. _John remembered Carson's words. _Time. Give it a little time._

The end


End file.
